How do I juggle expenses,
How do I tackle debt,
Will I ever leave the trenches,
Is this my fate to accept,
Can never be me,
Was born to be free,
Can’t live life on knee,
Boundless L’s in this spree,
Need to escape,
Need less self-hate,
Less mental debate,
Less stress,
Working to figure things out,
Working to find a way out,
Working to end the drought,
Hoping to finally sprout.
Lost, oh how it feels,
To wander aimlessly,
No direction or purpose,
No place that feels like home.
Lost, it’s a lonely place,
A feeling of despair,
No sense of belonging,
No one to turn to or share.
Lost, it’s a state of mind,
A feeling of confusion,
A lack of clarity,
A lack of resolution.
But lost, it’s not forever,
For there is always a way,
To find your way back,
From the path that leads you astray.
So if you’re feeling lost,
Take a deep breath and hold on tight,
For the journey to finding yourself,
Is a journey worth the fight.
Waves,
Sand on her skin,
As I’m gripping on her,
Waist,
Waves,
We groove through the motion,
Emotion,
I’m just a victim of my,
Ways,
Waves,
I’m sipping,
She’s my potion,
Deep in ocean,
As she,
Lays,
Waves,
Spend hours with her,
Feeling un-,
Phased.
Waves…
I can’t stop checking my phone,
Any plans? Don’t wanna stay home,
Smoking all this weed to stay in zone,
Loving on her so that I don’t feel alone,
Why can’t I be happy by myself?
Why can’t I be happy with myself?
Can’t stay in my own head for a few,
Only think of hating myself what’s new?
All the promises to myself I don’t keep,
To family and friends part of the heap,
Feel like a complete fuck up,
Losing the race in the last lap,
All this stress I end up escaping,
Said last time was last for coping,
No more drugs I was hoping,
Will I ever be stopping?
I can’t stop checking my phone,
Any plans? Don’t wanna stay home,
Smoking all this weed to stay in zone,
Loving on her so that I don’t feel alone.
I need a break from my own head,
Feel at times better off dead,
Love vs fear lingering on dread,
Nothing to do but chase this bread,
Mistakes making it hard to forgive myself,
Replaying everything wrong is a living hell,
Insecure human living with a bravery shell,
Working so hard to escape this mental cell,
Pressure from society to make it,
Seen so many tempted to fake it,
So many compromise and take shit,
Many includes me in this empty pit,
Always been the kid with dreams,
Nothing out of reach so it seems,
Scary at times causing screams,
Peers doing better than me themes,
I need a break from my own head,
Feel at times better off dead,
Love vs fear lingering on dread,
Nothing to do but chase this bread.
The thrill of drinking with friends,
Best days are always the weekends,
Too many nights turn into a habit,
Cocktail of drugs feeling like magic,
Need a break from all the thoughts,
Deadlines, bills and responsibilities,
Peace of mind is what I sought,
Night out of mind to set me free,
Been holding back all the urges,
Moments like these when it surges,
Doing things you wouldn’t believe,
Justifying it as momentary reprieve,
Fell into temptation of past passions,
Allure of clinging on to the familiar,
Guilt felt doesn’t justify the actions,
Night out in wrong direction I steer.
I drop a tear when I hear your name,
Things just ain’t been the same,
What would I not give for another hug,
What can I do to feel your nag,
Hard to accept the way things went by,
You left without saying goodbye,
Part of me blames myself and the family,
Part of me understands the tragedy,
Things we can never really take back,
Things that got me feeling stuck,
Could I have been a better brother,
Did you really feel like a bother,
Are you happy now, is your soul free?
Do you still think about me?
Cause I still think about you,
And all the things we didn’t get to do,
Life is short – who knew?
Even on sunny days I still feel blue,
What’s the point of making it without the ones we hold dear,
Losing someone close is my life’s biggest fear,
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I love you enough,
I’m sorry that your life had to be so tough,
I’m sorry for all the time we didn’t spend,
I’m sorry for the way it had to end,
I’m sorry for the hand that I didn’t lend,
I’m sorry for all the wrong things we didn’t amend,
I’m sorry that you had to feel this way,
Most of all I’m sorry that you never found your way!
To whom much is given much is expected,
I guess that’s why I never really rested,
Too much time I have wasted,
All the money I have invested,
Trust in vision – the plan,
Trust in me I’m the man,
Fearless in front of a gun,
Cautious enough to run,
Still can’t help but feel the doubt,
Still can’t help but wait for sprout,
Gotta make it with or without,
Are you in or are you out?
Grateful for each day in the process,
This is stress release not lamentation,
Strides made remember not to forget,
For this life I have utmost appreciation.
It’s your lifestyle that kills you,
It’s your pain that heals you,
Life chooses the cards it deals you,
Promise me you’ll see it through,
A bad season is not a bad life,
Appreciate the real value of time,
Face the challenges and the strife,
Conquer them and enter your prime,
Pain in life is only temporary,
Regret is only in the memory,
Shame is only in the imagination,
Perception is subjective to situation,
It’s always easier said than done,
Means you have to put in the work,
On yourself – only important one,
Right words, thoughts, actions on lock.
If I’m speaking the truth,
I’m in love with my youth,
Taking risks chasing loot,
And slowly finding my foot,
And if I’m being really honest,
I’m in love with the process,
Broke not because I’m from less,
All income to my craft I invest,
And if I’m keeping it real,
All these emotions that I feel,
All these situations that I deal,
God blessed me with the will,
And if I’m being really frank
You can take this to the bank,
No matter if the ship floated or sank,
Truly grateful to the Creator – thank.
C.Rotich 